I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You ruined the universe
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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