thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
