Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
