it hurts more in the daytime
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
