MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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