when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Randomize
