Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
