Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
