Sorry, I don't speak sober.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
