I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Randomize
