Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
It's shark week go big or go home
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize