How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
