I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
