the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
