highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
