did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
