I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
