i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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