I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
