Having a random hookup so left but love u
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
