one two three fourrrrnication!
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
