apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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