When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
