its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
