I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
That was an excessively violent trivia night
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
