Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
