Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
two words...techno handjob
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
