i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
