Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
