I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
