Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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