Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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