I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
