dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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