M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize