she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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