I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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