So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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