i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
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