I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
