Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
