so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Is it because I queefed?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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