I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You may now shotgun with the bride
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize