Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
