Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
