I'm going to jail i love you
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
