I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize