I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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