whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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