she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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