I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
