You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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