how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
