The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
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