i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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