That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
