I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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