woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
