I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
