I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
