No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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